So I know it has been awhile since i have blogged. I can give so many excuses but why do it? Its the fact that I just haven't done it. I cant say that there is any reason why I haven't. I guess being lazy has some effect in that??
Well not much in my life has changed since I last blogged. I have lost 16 pounds which I am so excited for!! I keep telling me that's a lot for just a month. But of course deep down I wish it would go faster. I wish it would melt away and I would never have to deal with it again. I guess when I got to the point that I was ready to lose it I want it off fast. I know that it is more better for myself to go slow.. learn new eating patterns and lifestyle. I mean I'm sure I could lose it quick but, I'd prolly put it right back on because I didn't learn anything.
So as for now I'm learning portion control. Learning to eat at least 3 times a day. Watching what I put in my mouth. and trying to exercise. And I feel since I have made it a month I feel as it keeps going it will go faster and easier.
I know this blog isn't as amazing as it could be. I just don't have much to say right now.
I do want to thank you for those that are supporting me through this change. Knowing that people are behind me.. Backing me up..and wanting me to make it means the world to me. Thank you all so much!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
sorry for being so late...
Well my plan was to blog on Wed. because I weighed in. But life sometimes scoops me up and I don't have a moment to breathe. Well on wed. I did weigh and I lost 8 pounds!!! Woohoo!!!! it may be a little to much to start with but I don't mind. I have a lot to lose. And this weeks weigh in is coming soon. I'm excited to see but then part of me is worried I haven't lost. But I know I have. It seems like I have gone from one side of a eating disorder to another. For the last four or so days I have been lucky if I've ate over 500 calories. I know this is horrible for me but I have reached that point that I'm not hungry anymore. And when I'm not hungry I don't eat. So I don't eat half the food I am supposed to be eating.
I know this can put me in starvation mode and make me not lose but I hope that is not the case. I want to loose so badly. If there was a way to wave a magic wand and it would be gone i would.
Anyway I am scared that I will start thinking 500 calories is enough. If i was being totally honest I do. I love it. I know that is a bad behaviour and I can change it and I will starting tomorrow but part of me likes it. It makes me feel in control of my calories. I was warned many times to be careful when I start breaking an addiction.. that another one can surface. Well I think they are wrong. I think many addictions start to surface.
I found a counselor and went to her on wed as well. I really like her. I think that she will be able to help me work though a lot of things and of course my addiction to food.. I know I keep saying I will post why I believe I have become the way I am, but it really is hard. I mean I'm sure a lot of people speculate why. Or think that they know. Hey maybe some do, but if you know me there is a rare chance that you know the deepness of it. A lot think it is due to my father but it goes way farther back than that. I hope i feel this week I can release it to my blog. for now just bare with me.
Well as this new week begins I hope its a great one. I will promise that I will start blogging more. because I really do have a lot to say.. even if it is all scattered around like broken pieces of glass.
I know this can put me in starvation mode and make me not lose but I hope that is not the case. I want to loose so badly. If there was a way to wave a magic wand and it would be gone i would.
Anyway I am scared that I will start thinking 500 calories is enough. If i was being totally honest I do. I love it. I know that is a bad behaviour and I can change it and I will starting tomorrow but part of me likes it. It makes me feel in control of my calories. I was warned many times to be careful when I start breaking an addiction.. that another one can surface. Well I think they are wrong. I think many addictions start to surface.
I found a counselor and went to her on wed as well. I really like her. I think that she will be able to help me work though a lot of things and of course my addiction to food.. I know I keep saying I will post why I believe I have become the way I am, but it really is hard. I mean I'm sure a lot of people speculate why. Or think that they know. Hey maybe some do, but if you know me there is a rare chance that you know the deepness of it. A lot think it is due to my father but it goes way farther back than that. I hope i feel this week I can release it to my blog. for now just bare with me.
Well as this new week begins I hope its a great one. I will promise that I will start blogging more. because I really do have a lot to say.. even if it is all scattered around like broken pieces of glass.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Thoughts and life
So I know I said I would blog everyday.. So far that hasn't happened. I have been doing awesome on my diet. But I think my heart is having issues with this massive change.. I went from eating fast food at least once a day to nothing at all.. To eating fruits (which I'm not a huge fan of) four times a day. So I guess what I'm saying is today has been more emotional difficult. I am not giving up. I am not quiting but I just don't want that fruit!
I'm told though , it gets easier.. So I will agree and press on. I know tomorrow is a new day and I know that I'm a fighter.
So more about why I haven't posted. I have become addicted to a video game. Most know that I love games and I play them a lot but this one... called Playstation Home has sucked me in. It is like you are you in a game. you dress your person.. you go places, you dance.. You can buy stuff like clothes and houses and you talk with people. I know the last two days I have most likely been on that game about 27 to 30 hours. Thursday I was on the game from eleven in the morning till six the next morning. That is a lot of hours!!!
I realized while playing this game why I love it so much, or maybe I have always known. I can be who ever I want. I can wear whatever I want and I can accept all the nice compliments people give me because my avatar is "hot". I want to live in that world. I want to wear the clothes I want. To get to do the things I want to do. To be admired for my looks and not that I just have a great personality. I'm not asking for males to trip over themselves to get to me. I guess I just want to know how it feels not hide. Not to be the friend.. Not to be the other person. And for this reason I basically live my life through my character. When I type it all out it sounds sick and twisted but I feel safe there.. No one knows what I really look like. They base and judge first by my avatar and then my personality. And I know that most of the people that I spend time with on there would walk away if they saw me. Its a sad truth but its a truth.
I understand that the government is trying to help childhood obesity and parts of me are in their cheering section. But where is the section for those that live it daily? That struggle mentally to walk outside in a world that hates us so much? I don't ask for sympathy. I ask for change. Because we can be sympathetic to every eating disorder but FAT. Its like being cursed or shunned. I think its funny that our society is growing larger.. yet we only think tiny people are attractive and not even just that.. That they are the only people that amount to anything. Now don't get me wrong. I love my friends and I love all people. But we try and take charge of every form of discrimination except when you're fat.
So anyway I guess I did have a lot to say. I have a lot of hurt and pain that I'm sure will come out in this process. I just cant wait to heal. If i don't lose one pound.. I just want to know that I can heal.. ( though I know I will lose!!)
I'm told though , it gets easier.. So I will agree and press on. I know tomorrow is a new day and I know that I'm a fighter.
So more about why I haven't posted. I have become addicted to a video game. Most know that I love games and I play them a lot but this one... called Playstation Home has sucked me in. It is like you are you in a game. you dress your person.. you go places, you dance.. You can buy stuff like clothes and houses and you talk with people. I know the last two days I have most likely been on that game about 27 to 30 hours. Thursday I was on the game from eleven in the morning till six the next morning. That is a lot of hours!!!
I realized while playing this game why I love it so much, or maybe I have always known. I can be who ever I want. I can wear whatever I want and I can accept all the nice compliments people give me because my avatar is "hot". I want to live in that world. I want to wear the clothes I want. To get to do the things I want to do. To be admired for my looks and not that I just have a great personality. I'm not asking for males to trip over themselves to get to me. I guess I just want to know how it feels not hide. Not to be the friend.. Not to be the other person. And for this reason I basically live my life through my character. When I type it all out it sounds sick and twisted but I feel safe there.. No one knows what I really look like. They base and judge first by my avatar and then my personality. And I know that most of the people that I spend time with on there would walk away if they saw me. Its a sad truth but its a truth.
I understand that the government is trying to help childhood obesity and parts of me are in their cheering section. But where is the section for those that live it daily? That struggle mentally to walk outside in a world that hates us so much? I don't ask for sympathy. I ask for change. Because we can be sympathetic to every eating disorder but FAT. Its like being cursed or shunned. I think its funny that our society is growing larger.. yet we only think tiny people are attractive and not even just that.. That they are the only people that amount to anything. Now don't get me wrong. I love my friends and I love all people. But we try and take charge of every form of discrimination except when you're fat.
So anyway I guess I did have a lot to say. I have a lot of hurt and pain that I'm sure will come out in this process. I just cant wait to heal. If i don't lose one pound.. I just want to know that I can heal.. ( though I know I will lose!!)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Day One
Today was my first day. And it went fairly well. It's not over yet but I think its late enough in the day to say it was a great day.. I weighed today for the first time in months.. I am not going to put what I weigh up but i was pleased that i was not at my highest weight. The food in the program a lot of people said is gross. I mean I cant claim that all of it is good but I loved everything I had. So this pleases me.
I am looking into finding a counsler for this journey. Of course its not just for weightloss but if I am taking back my life I need to learn how to take it back fully. I know I can do a lot of it on my own, but certin things that I have gone through I just dont know how to do it on my own. I know God is a huge factor in my recovery. Can I even say recovery? I think tomorrow I will go more in depth as to how I got this way.
So today was a great day.. and I can't wait to have more and more..
I am looking into finding a counsler for this journey. Of course its not just for weightloss but if I am taking back my life I need to learn how to take it back fully. I know I can do a lot of it on my own, but certin things that I have gone through I just dont know how to do it on my own. I know God is a huge factor in my recovery. Can I even say recovery? I think tomorrow I will go more in depth as to how I got this way.
So today was a great day.. and I can't wait to have more and more..
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The begining.....
I really thought long and hard about doing a blog about my weight loss journey. I didn't know if anyone would care to follow my path to taking back my life. Then I realized that it doesn't really matter if anyone does. Its about me, and if I want to blog about my journey then I can. I'm sure I will have awesome days. I'm sure I will have horrible days.
But my life starts new here. This is not what I was designed for. There are things in my life that I want to do.. That I am striving to do every day.
So basically if anyone is going to follow I'll just tell you a little of how I'm going to do this. Starting tomorrow I start a new diet. I have been losing and then I stopped and started eating poorly.
I will try to post daily on how I'm doing. what my struggles are...why I got this way. how I want to lose.. things like that.. I will also weigh myself once a week and post the progress. I will not post my starting weight because I feel that is personal to me. But I will post what I lose each week.
if there are people out there reading.. thank you for your support. it means the world to me :)
But my life starts new here. This is not what I was designed for. There are things in my life that I want to do.. That I am striving to do every day.
So basically if anyone is going to follow I'll just tell you a little of how I'm going to do this. Starting tomorrow I start a new diet. I have been losing and then I stopped and started eating poorly.
I will try to post daily on how I'm doing. what my struggles are...why I got this way. how I want to lose.. things like that.. I will also weigh myself once a week and post the progress. I will not post my starting weight because I feel that is personal to me. But I will post what I lose each week.
if there are people out there reading.. thank you for your support. it means the world to me :)
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