Well my plan was to blog on Wed. because I weighed in. But life sometimes scoops me up and I don't have a moment to breathe. Well on wed. I did weigh and I lost 8 pounds!!! Woohoo!!!! it may be a little to much to start with but I don't mind. I have a lot to lose. And this weeks weigh in is coming soon. I'm excited to see but then part of me is worried I haven't lost. But I know I have. It seems like I have gone from one side of a eating disorder to another. For the last four or so days I have been lucky if I've ate over 500 calories. I know this is horrible for me but I have reached that point that I'm not hungry anymore. And when I'm not hungry I don't eat. So I don't eat half the food I am supposed to be eating.
I know this can put me in starvation mode and make me not lose but I hope that is not the case. I want to loose so badly. If there was a way to wave a magic wand and it would be gone i would.
Anyway I am scared that I will start thinking 500 calories is enough. If i was being totally honest I do. I love it. I know that is a bad behaviour and I can change it and I will starting tomorrow but part of me likes it. It makes me feel in control of my calories. I was warned many times to be careful when I start breaking an addiction.. that another one can surface. Well I think they are wrong. I think many addictions start to surface.
I found a counselor and went to her on wed as well. I really like her. I think that she will be able to help me work though a lot of things and of course my addiction to food.. I know I keep saying I will post why I believe I have become the way I am, but it really is hard. I mean I'm sure a lot of people speculate why. Or think that they know. Hey maybe some do, but if you know me there is a rare chance that you know the deepness of it. A lot think it is due to my father but it goes way farther back than that. I hope i feel this week I can release it to my blog. for now just bare with me.
Well as this new week begins I hope its a great one. I will promise that I will start blogging more. because I really do have a lot to say.. even if it is all scattered around like broken pieces of glass.
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